This is a bit of a rough and ready post- it's been very difficult to write.
The joy is in the journey, as the saying goes. Certainly the journey has been fun at times and deciding to work with a coach has been the best decision I've made in a very long time. I'm fitter and stronger than ever and have achieved things I never imagined being able to even attempt. The journey has also been really tough. Meeting those challenges has brought gains not just in terms of physical fitness and strength, but also in a hugely improved my relationship with my body and food. But for a number of reasons training for the Copthorne 200 has proved to be more than I can cope with and I have decided to withdraw from the race.
It's been quite a year so far:
Running-wise: I started working with my coach in January. January to May I raced a marathon or a 50km each month. June and August I ran unsupported 50kms on the Copthorne loop.
General life stuff: I've had to switch between four different jobs, for a while juggling three zero hour contracts before returning to full-time work in the classroom. Despite being back in a regular job, money is still a constant worry and that's something that takes too much of my energy. There's been the ASC diagnosis journey with one of my children whilst supporting them through A-levels. Eldest has a new job for which they need the car so I have only very limited access to transport. This has a huge impact on so many aspects of life, especially as public transport is so limited and unreliable where we live. My mum is now in the last weeks of terminal cancer so I'm back to the weekend round trips of 500 miles. Moya-hen left us at the start of this week and her last hours just broke my heart. And try as I might, I simply can't get back to pre-Covid levels of energy and resilience.
So piling all of the life stuff on top of the training needed just to deserve to be on the start line of a 200 mile race has left me overwhelmed and exhausted. I can't put in the hours of training I need to and mentally I haven't got the spare energy or the drive. There has been so much challenge and difficulty in daily life that I feel no inclination to seek out the self-indulgence of extreme ultra suffering- I don't need to prove that I can suffer and keep going. I feel in the middle of a perfect storm and something has to give- I'm not willing for that something to be my family or my health and sanity.
But maybe I never cared enough about the race in the first place. Maybe my motivation isn't honest enough- am I still trying to prove a point to people who don't care and shouldn't matter any more? Maybe you're thinking I don't have what it takes anyway.
Fortunately I have the most fantastic coach and I'm going to keep working with him, just adjust the focus and perhaps work towards a completely different goal in a completely different sport. Watch this space...
