Christmas flowers

 To the mystery sender of these flowers, thank you so much. They've even settled themselves into a heart shape!

A Time of Uncertainty

 

The expected happened the week before I wasn't going to run the Copthorne 200. 

The last time I saw my mum was on Hallowe'en, surrounded by bats. 

The funeral happened earlier this month, and we will at some point have the ashes interred in a spot at the village church. 

I don't really have anything else I can say about it all. The last six weeks or so have felt quite surreal- the contrast between the peaceful and gentle time I've spent with dad and family and the absolute craziness of work has been difficult to navigate. And life has felt relentless with any time at home spent frantically trying to catch up on chores or preparing to be away again. 

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But to step back to my last post, I thought that the decision to withdraw from the Copthorne race would feel like the lifting of a burden and that I'd get back to enjoying running and training because it was fun. That didn't happen. Instead I have found it harder and harder to find the motivation to get up and out, to run, lift, jump. I do think that this winter the lengthening hours of darkness have hit me especially hard- I genuinely could be in bed for every hour and minute there's no daylight. There's a deep tiredness right to my bones, malaise is probably a better word for it, that I just can't shift. Yet despite the mental and physical 'splat' I feel lost without a specific goal to work towards.

Last year my sole aim was to see if I could recover from Covid. Moving house and job upheaval spiced that up a bit. This year was all about Copthorne but underneath it all I wonder if I just didn't care enough. With a really big goal you have want to achieve it more than anything, and if I'm honest I just don't feel that way about running any more. Like other things I have loved and that have been my all, it's turned around and hurt me so deeply that those wounds will never truly heal. 

I know that my identity is not based on me the runner but I do feel fractured, floating adrift. Lacking in purpose. That's it- I don't have a 'why'. I continue to do just about enough training to help my bones and be generally healthy. Often I don't enjoy it but it's a necessity, one of those things like cleaning the the toilet or putting out the bins that you just have to do because the consequences of not doing are undesirable. And for me, that's not enough 'why'.

Work is also an uncertainty. The current situation in education is extremely challenging for a number of reasons. I'm waiting to see how the economic situation is going to affect my workplace- the DfE says schools will have to make 'efficiencies' but how to do that when schools are already cut to the bone? I am not presently afraid of redundancy and it is even possible that the current climate will actually create some opportunities. But I will have to see how the next little while goes.

For the next few days I will try to put all the uncertainty to one side and just rest. Perhaps the weather will finally be settled enough for me to get into the garden- there is much work to do out there!

But for now I wish you few readers a joyous Christmas.