Spring updates

 

Well it's been quite an eventful few months since the last time I wrote. It took some careful rehabbing of the ankle to get back to running comfortably but I struggled to shift a virus so training has mostly been stop-start with really only the last few weeks seeing any consistency.

I had entered a 50k ages ago and talked a colleague into running it too but as the weeks passed I was really concerned that my lack of running was going to be a problem. I could just blame the virus and also how tired I'm getting from being in class all day every day, but to be honest I haven't been enjoying running much either. The lack of focus on running meant that my aerobic fitness had significantly fallen away and it was just horrible plodding out 5km or so and feeling out of breath and tired. But I haven't even wanted to run much, instead choosing to lift or do plyometrics several times a week.

However, I decided that this would be my last race and that I should at least try for 4 weeks of consistent running so that I wouldn't feel completely destroyed and miserable during or after the race. It was hard, and I think I was only managing about 30 miles a week, maybe 35, but I was hoping that experience would get me through. So 6th April arrived and we rocked up at Salcey Forest neither of us feeling up for it. My colleague had been in Wales the day before for swim training so was pretty tired before we even started. I was just grumpy because it was freezing cold and I was trying to think of ways to not run.

At the start I met someone I had worked with briefly last year. It was lovely to have a bit of a catch up so and the three of us started the race running together and chatting. It was sunny, the ground was dry and the first few miles went by comfortably enough. I felt pretty good and said to Carrie and Chris that I was going to crack on and see how far I could get before the wheels came off.

The first loop was done in pretty much what I'd anticipated as being my best pace. Quick refill of my water bottle and off onto loop 2. Legs were feeling good although my hips weren't sure about the relatively flat course. There were two or three sections that were already very dry and rutted and required a lot of concentration and careful picking of the way and I made a mental note to take especial care as I became more tired.

Loop 2 completed about 2 minutes quicker than the first- hmm maybe I should take it a  bit easier on the next time round. I don't want to blow up and end up walking the last 12 miles. Loop 3 was definitely less fun after the first few miles. I was having episodes of light-headedness and my hips flexors were sore. My feet were getting sore too from the very hard and dry conditions underfoot. I decided to push on but monitor the dizzy spells- remember to drink more!

I came in at the end of that loop about the same time as I completed loop 1. Nice. But I wasn't feeling good so the last 8 miles were going to be damage limitation. Just get round, don't fall over. But as I set off I though I might as well run as much as I could and save walking for when I really couldn't run any more. I did stop briefly at the mid-way aid station though as I'd caught up with Carrie who was on her 3rd loop. I was also feeling nauseous by this point and asked if they had anything with ginger. Stupidly, I hadn't stashed a bag of crystallised ginger in my pack. The one time I forgot was the one time I needed it! Oh well, just keep going.

I didn't enjoy those last 4 miles, so I kept running just to get it over with. There was nothing left for a final sprint to the finish line, but at least I was running. Then something ridiculous happened:

I was first! Utterly nuts! Me, win a race?!

The best bit was cheering in everyone as they came in at the end of a loop and set off again, and as they finished. Chris finished his first ultra in really good form and now has the ultra bug I think. Carrie finished with some solid power walking and honestly her race was so impressive given the amount of other training she's doing to prepare for swimming the Channel as part of a relay team.

What a lovely end to what I'd expected to be a pretty miserable day!

Unfortunately it's not been so lovely since- we've had water pouring through a light fitting, holes in the ceiling and a couple of days with no water or heating. Then someone drove into my car...

But I'm back to my strength training, and maybe just maybe I'll do another race.

Round and round we go

 I pretty much slept the Christmas holidays away, I was so tired. I didn't do any of the things I'd hoped or planned except I did finally learn how to knit a Mobius strip.  And then I knitted some more. 

And some hyperbolic surfaces.

The year has started with a long course of antibiotics which I'm really not enjoying.  I don't do new year resolutions, but I did want to use a new year to get back to consistency with both strength work and running. It looked like I'd found a routine I could stick to... but then I went over on my ankle on a run.

And just as that has healed I'm down with one of the lurgies going round at work and have spent the weekend so far not feeling up to doing anything of what I wanted. It is so very frustrating.

It just feels like another year of obstacles and setbacks already.

Christmas flowers

 To the mystery sender of these flowers, thank you so much. They've even settled themselves into a heart shape!

A Time of Uncertainty

 

The expected happened the week before I wasn't going to run the Copthorne 200. 

The last time I saw my mum was on Hallowe'en, surrounded by bats. 

The funeral happened earlier this month, and we will at some point have the ashes interred in a spot at the village church. 

I don't really have anything else I can say about it all. The last six weeks or so have felt quite surreal- the contrast between the peaceful and gentle time I've spent with dad and family and the absolute craziness of work has been difficult to navigate. And life has felt relentless with any time at home spent frantically trying to catch up on chores or preparing to be away again. 

***

But to step back to my last post, I thought that the decision to withdraw from the Copthorne race would feel like the lifting of a burden and that I'd get back to enjoying running and training because it was fun. That didn't happen. Instead I have found it harder and harder to find the motivation to get up and out, to run, lift, jump. I do think that this winter the lengthening hours of darkness have hit me especially hard- I genuinely could be in bed for every hour and minute there's no daylight. There's a deep tiredness right to my bones, malaise is probably a better word for it, that I just can't shift. Yet despite the mental and physical 'splat' I feel lost without a specific goal to work towards.

Last year my sole aim was to see if I could recover from Covid. Moving house and job upheaval spiced that up a bit. This year was all about Copthorne but underneath it all I wonder if I just didn't care enough. With a really big goal you have want to achieve it more than anything, and if I'm honest I just don't feel that way about running any more. Like other things I have loved and that have been my all, it's turned around and hurt me so deeply that those wounds will never truly heal. 

I know that my identity is not based on me the runner but I do feel fractured, floating adrift. Lacking in purpose. That's it- I don't have a 'why'. I continue to do just about enough training to help my bones and be generally healthy. Often I don't enjoy it but it's a necessity, one of those things like cleaning the the toilet or putting out the bins that you just have to do because the consequences of not doing are undesirable. And for me, that's not enough 'why'.

Work is also an uncertainty. The current situation in education is extremely challenging for a number of reasons. I'm waiting to see how the economic situation is going to affect my workplace- the DfE says schools will have to make 'efficiencies' but how to do that when schools are already cut to the bone? I am not presently afraid of redundancy and it is even possible that the current climate will actually create some opportunities. But I will have to see how the next little while goes.

For the next few days I will try to put all the uncertainty to one side and just rest. Perhaps the weather will finally be settled enough for me to get into the garden- there is much work to do out there!

But for now I wish you few readers a joyous Christmas.

Journey to a DNS

 

This is a bit of a rough and ready post- it's been very difficult to write.

The joy is in the journey, as the saying goes. Certainly the journey has been fun at times and deciding to work with a coach has been the best decision I've made in a very long time. I'm fitter and stronger than ever and have achieved things I never imagined being able to even attempt. The journey has also been really tough. Meeting those challenges has brought gains not just in terms of physical fitness and strength, but also in a hugely improved my relationship with my body and food. But for a number of reasons training for the Copthorne 200 has proved to be more than I can cope with and I have decided to withdraw from the race.

It's been quite a year so far:

 Running-wise: I started working with my coach in January. January to May I raced a marathon or a 50km each month. June and August I ran unsupported 50kms on the Copthorne loop. 

General life stuff: I've had to switch between four different jobs, for a while juggling three zero hour contracts before returning to full-time work in the classroom. Despite being back in a regular job, money is still a constant worry and that's something that takes too much of my energy. There's been the ASC diagnosis journey with one of my children whilst supporting them through A-levels. Eldest has a new job for which they need the car so I have only very limited access to transport. This has a huge impact on so many aspects of life, especially as public transport is so limited and unreliable where we live. My mum is now in the last weeks of terminal cancer so I'm back to the weekend round trips of 500 miles. Moya-hen left us at the start of this week and her last hours just broke my heart. And try as I might, I simply can't get back to pre-Covid levels of energy and resilience.

So piling all of the life stuff on top of the training needed just to deserve to be on the start line of a 200 mile race has left me overwhelmed and exhausted.  I can't put in the hours of training I need to and mentally I haven't got the spare energy or the drive. There has been so much challenge and difficulty in daily life that I feel no inclination to seek out the self-indulgence of extreme ultra suffering- I don't need to prove that I can suffer and keep going.  I feel in the middle of a perfect storm and something has to give- I'm not willing for that something to be my family or my health and sanity. 

But maybe I never cared enough about the race in the first place. Maybe my motivation isn't honest enough- am I still trying to prove a point to people who don't care and shouldn't matter any more?  Maybe you're thinking I don't have what it takes anyway.

Fortunately I have the most fantastic coach and I'm going to keep working with him, just adjust the focus and perhaps work towards a completely different goal in a completely different sport. Watch this space...

Less than six months to go

 

As I write, tomorrow is June. Just under 25 weeks before the main race of the year.

How is it all going? Well the work I'm doing with my coach is paying off. I'm stronger, fitter and recovering better than ever. And my mental game is stronger too. It's so good being able to talk through things with someone else and have them challenge me, get me to reassess my thought processes and mindset. Knowing that someone has my back is such a huge thing.

I'm also very hungry! Getting to grips with nutrition is  proving a significant part of this training journey too. I think I have a much better relationship with food and eating now- it does help that the training I've been doing has significantly changed my body composition and the menopot belly is gone- but my understanding of the need to fuel properly is deeper and I'm not afraid to eat enough. In the past I've generally only had compliments about my figure when I've been quite underweight so when my coach told me the other week that I'm looking solid I was delighted. Because he means that I look strong, able to endure. I've made a conscious effort in myself not to slip into saying I feel 'big' or 'heavy' but to choose a more positive word like 'sturdy' (like the rebuilt Andromeda when Doyle asks her how she feels in her new avatar). 

That positive self-talk is something we've discussed in my training sessions too. The fact that if I'm giving myself a hard time, focussing on things that aren't going well or on feeling tired or unhappy, then it will just reinforce not feeling so good. 

Last Sunday I had an opportunity to put a lot of this into practice when I ran Runaway Racing  Greensand Country 50k The last two races I've done haven't gone to plan and I've not enjoyed them so this time I really wanted to have a better day out. Whilst I don't really like the idea of liquid calories, I gave Mountain Fuel Xtreme Energy fuel another try as I've just not been taking in sufficient calories during races; I figured it would also get me drinking more too. I also decided not to be so speedy through aid stations but instead to take time to get some real food and empty out then properly refill my bottles. Both the liquid calories and the extra minute or two at aid stations really did seem to help. I didn't have a meltdown or require a power sob and I never got as far as that horrible can't think straight or be rational state that I know is down to not eating and drinking enough.

I also made an effort to appreciate the day- I was grateful for the sun because I love running in the sun but I was also appreciative of the rain as it was refreshing. Every stretch of flat, downhill or smooth road and trail I took as a gift allowing me to properly run. And I did run most of it despite the return of that hip flexor niggle. I accepted it was uncomfortable, that it was making it hard to pick up my right leg properly but I knew it would probably stop hurting a few hours after finishing the race so there was no point in worrying or being upset about it.

The last 1km or so of the race. I was pushing myself hard but able to smile.

I had a lovely day out- a little slower than I would have liked (still sneaking into the top 10 though!) but I made a bad shoe choice because I hadn't expected the mud to be Mud of Epic Proportions. I rescued a vole; saw demoiselles, butterflies and stunning foxgloves; heard so much birdsong. Lots of members of the public were out and about and everyone was so friendly and encouraging. I would definitely recommend this race for anyone wanting to run an ultra but is a bit nervous about it.

This was a race I needed to go well- either for things to go to plan or to be able to take any setbacks in my stride. The hard work is where growth happens and it was so good to see that hard work pay off and to be able to appreciate the progress I'm making.

Life right now is far from perfect- more change is on the horizon and will require a lot of adjustment and adaptation on my part- but I'll settle for honest hard work and the opportunity to keep learning.

Spring update

 I was going to write a report on running Canary Trail Events inaugural Surrey Hills Marathon in March but never got around to it. Partly because of being busy but also because I had a rubbish day and I didn't want to make it sound like the event is rubbish because it's not. It was friendly, low-key, well-organised, everything you'd expect from the CTE team. But I just had a bad day out. My head wasn't in the right place at all and I couldn't focus on the task in hand. And I had a complete melt down at mile 20, for ne obvious reason just completely fell apart.

Photo by Lenny Martin

Then last month I ran Runaway Racing Chiltern Ridge 50km. Another rubbish day out. I had wanted to finish in around 5:30 but was almost an hour slower. There just didn't seem to be anything in my legs although conditions underfoot were quite nasty in places which certainly didn't help. I pushed myself as much as I could but my body wouldn't respond how I needed it to which was incredibly frustrating. And again, another melt down at the last CP. I don't know what was wrong. Maybe I got nutrition wrong; maybe I was just exhausted from how the year has gone so far; maybe there was no particular reason.

Anyway, for various reasons it's been tough trying to recover from the last race but I'm doing my best to focus on nutrition, sleep and adapting training to what I think my body needs. 

Right now the race in November feels like an impossibility. I can't see or imagine how I can be ready for it let alone finish. When I was training for Copthorne 100 I was really focussed and training for that race was the most important thing in my life but I can't seem to find that drive and focus now. I don't know if it's because I don't care enough about it, whether I'm deeply fatigued, whether the pressures of simply surviving and making ends meet are taking all my energy.