Ups and Downs

 

I'm writing this from bed as I have succumbed to one of the several unpleasant viruses going around at work, and on top of that I'm back on strong antibiotics which are making me feel pretty rough too. It's so frustrating because it's been a decent start to the term- there are no classes I really dread this year although many are extremely hard work- and for the first time in ages I feel that I'm often genuinely supporting students' learning rather than trying to manage behaviour. It's also frustrating because, with a sizeable effort of will-power, I've been able to train consistently and am slowly improving my fitness which took a nose dive a year ago.

I should have paid better attention to the warning signs- I wasn't quite right on my longer run on Sunday. Then on Wednesday my legs had nothing and I needed to take walk breaks during that run. But sometimes I forget that I can't do what I could even 10 years ago and just push on regardless. So here I am.

The frustration from not being able to train is not just because I felt I had settled into the rhythm of it at last. I have an event coming up that I am quite excited about because it's something I've never done before. I'm doing a 6 hour track race! 

Why a track race? Recently most of my running has been on the roads. I'm enjoying being able to just run and not worry about tripping over roots and stones or sliding in mud. Also, I'm much less likely to be chased or jumped on by dogs. It has felt liberating to simply run and be able to look around rather than run whilst looking at the ground. Running on a track will just be about running. And I have been wanting to do something different, something that will be a new experience. I don't have the luxury of being able to afford or take time off to do one of those multi-day ultras or race in some spectacular location. I also can't spend that kind of money on the sort of kit needed for those things. But a track race will be a challenge because there are so many unknowns. How will my brain manage the same loop score of times? What will the unending flatness be like? Will it be like a moving meditation or will it be a huge battle to keep going? What is going to be the best way of managing hydration and food? Would aiming for a marafun or 50km PB be realistic without burning out before the 6 hours?

As a sort of running fitness test, I did a local road race a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't specifically trained for it but hoped that my general fitness would get me though ok. I was pretty pleased with the result because although I was very much mid-pack, I ran around 8 minutes quicker than my estimate and felt strong all the way round (except for the final beast of a hill). On reflection I could have gone a bit quicker, but I'd never done a 10 mile race before and didn't really know how it would go. 

I have also been giving some thought to 'off-season' training and I think it could be fun to learn a new sport. I'm not quite sure what, although I have a few ideas. All I know is that it's good to keep learning.

Summer insights

 Work has left me with very little energy to spare. I am used up just absorbing the impact of being in the classroom. It didn't use to be this way but it's the reality of working in schools these days. Because of this, it's been necessary to spend time thinking about how best to cope with my current level of physical and emotional exhaustion.

I've written before about trying to train smarter but this time it's a little different.  I do need to dial back what I'm trying to do because I've been in a cycle of forcing myself to train, getting completely splatted, then needing enforced rest, and that's just not healthy. The constant presence of my sports watch has not been helping either because I've become too hung up with the numbers and it's started to feed into a less than healthy relationship with food and exercise. So I've stopped wearing the watch and, this is far more important, I'm backing off training because I have finally acknowledged that I have nothing to prove. I don't need to prove that I'm tough, that I can run a long way, that I can run all day and all night. I don't need to do all that to make sure I'm loved or to gain approval. I just need to do whatever training is necessary to stay strong, healthy and postpone the deterioration of my bones for as long as possible. And what I need as a person is more time doing stuff that isn't training. 

Finding the right balance is going to be tricky, and I suspect that whatever 'balance' is will keep changing. But acknowledging that what I need to do is step back and stop pushing so hard is huge. I'm not sure what this journey will be like, but for my health and sanity it's a path I need to explore right now.

So less running, less other training. More time photographing things that I find beautiful or interesting, continuing with various garden projects, rediscovering the theatre, reading, and resting. 

Comma, seen on my way home from work recently

Spring updates

 

Well it's been quite an eventful few months since the last time I wrote. It took some careful rehabbing of the ankle to get back to running comfortably but I struggled to shift a virus so training has mostly been stop-start with really only the last few weeks seeing any consistency.

I had entered a 50k ages ago and talked a colleague into running it too but as the weeks passed I was really concerned that my lack of running was going to be a problem. I could just blame the virus and also how tired I'm getting from being in class all day every day, but to be honest I haven't been enjoying running much either. The lack of focus on running meant that my aerobic fitness had significantly fallen away and it was just horrible plodding out 5km or so and feeling out of breath and tired. But I haven't even wanted to run much, instead choosing to lift or do plyometrics several times a week.

However, I decided that this would be my last race and that I should at least try for 4 weeks of consistent running so that I wouldn't feel completely destroyed and miserable during or after the race. It was hard, and I think I was only managing about 30 miles a week, maybe 35, but I was hoping that experience would get me through. So 6th April arrived and we rocked up at Salcey Forest neither of us feeling up for it. My colleague had been in Wales the day before for swim training so was pretty tired before we even started. I was just grumpy because it was freezing cold and I was trying to think of ways to not run.

At the start I met someone I had worked with briefly last year. It was lovely to have a bit of a catch up so and the three of us started the race running together and chatting. It was sunny, the ground was dry and the first few miles went by comfortably enough. I felt pretty good and said to Carrie and Chris that I was going to crack on and see how far I could get before the wheels came off.

The first loop was done in pretty much what I'd anticipated as being my best pace. Quick refill of my water bottle and off onto loop 2. Legs were feeling good although my hips weren't sure about the relatively flat course. There were two or three sections that were already very dry and rutted and required a lot of concentration and careful picking of the way and I made a mental note to take especial care as I became more tired.

Loop 2 completed about 2 minutes quicker than the first- hmm maybe I should take it a  bit easier on the next time round. I don't want to blow up and end up walking the last 12 miles. Loop 3 was definitely less fun after the first few miles. I was having episodes of light-headedness and my hips flexors were sore. My feet were getting sore too from the very hard and dry conditions underfoot. I decided to push on but monitor the dizzy spells- remember to drink more!

I came in at the end of that loop about the same time as I completed loop 1. Nice. But I wasn't feeling good so the last 8 miles were going to be damage limitation. Just get round, don't fall over. But as I set off I though I might as well run as much as I could and save walking for when I really couldn't run any more. I did stop briefly at the mid-way aid station though as I'd caught up with Carrie who was on her 3rd loop. I was also feeling nauseous by this point and asked if they had anything with ginger. Stupidly, I hadn't stashed a bag of crystallised ginger in my pack. The one time I forgot was the one time I needed it! Oh well, just keep going.

I didn't enjoy those last 4 miles, so I kept running just to get it over with. There was nothing left for a final sprint to the finish line, but at least I was running. Then something ridiculous happened:

I was first! Utterly nuts! Me, win a race?!

The best bit was cheering in everyone as they came in at the end of a loop and set off again, and as they finished. Chris finished his first ultra in really good form and now has the ultra bug I think. Carrie finished with some solid power walking and honestly her race was so impressive given the amount of other training she's doing to prepare for swimming the Channel as part of a relay team.

What a lovely end to what I'd expected to be a pretty miserable day!

Unfortunately it's not been so lovely since- we've had water pouring through a light fitting, holes in the ceiling and a couple of days with no water or heating. Then someone drove into my car...

But I'm back to my strength training, and maybe just maybe I'll do another race.

Round and round we go

 I pretty much slept the Christmas holidays away, I was so tired. I didn't do any of the things I'd hoped or planned except I did finally learn how to knit a Mobius strip.  And then I knitted some more. 

And some hyperbolic surfaces.

The year has started with a long course of antibiotics which I'm really not enjoying.  I don't do new year resolutions, but I did want to use a new year to get back to consistency with both strength work and running. It looked like I'd found a routine I could stick to... but then I went over on my ankle on a run.

And just as that has healed I'm down with one of the lurgies going round at work and have spent the weekend so far not feeling up to doing anything of what I wanted. It is so very frustrating.

It just feels like another year of obstacles and setbacks already.

Christmas flowers

 To the mystery sender of these flowers, thank you so much. They've even settled themselves into a heart shape!

A Time of Uncertainty

 

The expected happened the week before I wasn't going to run the Copthorne 200. 

The last time I saw my mum was on Hallowe'en, surrounded by bats. 

The funeral happened earlier this month, and we will at some point have the ashes interred in a spot at the village church. 

I don't really have anything else I can say about it all. The last six weeks or so have felt quite surreal- the contrast between the peaceful and gentle time I've spent with dad and family and the absolute craziness of work has been difficult to navigate. And life has felt relentless with any time at home spent frantically trying to catch up on chores or preparing to be away again. 

***

But to step back to my last post, I thought that the decision to withdraw from the Copthorne race would feel like the lifting of a burden and that I'd get back to enjoying running and training because it was fun. That didn't happen. Instead I have found it harder and harder to find the motivation to get up and out, to run, lift, jump. I do think that this winter the lengthening hours of darkness have hit me especially hard- I genuinely could be in bed for every hour and minute there's no daylight. There's a deep tiredness right to my bones, malaise is probably a better word for it, that I just can't shift. Yet despite the mental and physical 'splat' I feel lost without a specific goal to work towards.

Last year my sole aim was to see if I could recover from Covid. Moving house and job upheaval spiced that up a bit. This year was all about Copthorne but underneath it all I wonder if I just didn't care enough. With a really big goal you have want to achieve it more than anything, and if I'm honest I just don't feel that way about running any more. Like other things I have loved and that have been my all, it's turned around and hurt me so deeply that those wounds will never truly heal. 

I know that my identity is not based on me the runner but I do feel fractured, floating adrift. Lacking in purpose. That's it- I don't have a 'why'. I continue to do just about enough training to help my bones and be generally healthy. Often I don't enjoy it but it's a necessity, one of those things like cleaning the the toilet or putting out the bins that you just have to do because the consequences of not doing are undesirable. And for me, that's not enough 'why'.

Work is also an uncertainty. The current situation in education is extremely challenging for a number of reasons. I'm waiting to see how the economic situation is going to affect my workplace- the DfE says schools will have to make 'efficiencies' but how to do that when schools are already cut to the bone? I am not presently afraid of redundancy and it is even possible that the current climate will actually create some opportunities. But I will have to see how the next little while goes.

For the next few days I will try to put all the uncertainty to one side and just rest. Perhaps the weather will finally be settled enough for me to get into the garden- there is much work to do out there!

But for now I wish you few readers a joyous Christmas.

Journey to a DNS

 

This is a bit of a rough and ready post- it's been very difficult to write.

The joy is in the journey, as the saying goes. Certainly the journey has been fun at times and deciding to work with a coach has been the best decision I've made in a very long time. I'm fitter and stronger than ever and have achieved things I never imagined being able to even attempt. The journey has also been really tough. Meeting those challenges has brought gains not just in terms of physical fitness and strength, but also in a hugely improved my relationship with my body and food. But for a number of reasons training for the Copthorne 200 has proved to be more than I can cope with and I have decided to withdraw from the race.

It's been quite a year so far:

 Running-wise: I started working with my coach in January. January to May I raced a marathon or a 50km each month. June and August I ran unsupported 50kms on the Copthorne loop. 

General life stuff: I've had to switch between four different jobs, for a while juggling three zero hour contracts before returning to full-time work in the classroom. Despite being back in a regular job, money is still a constant worry and that's something that takes too much of my energy. There's been the ASC diagnosis journey with one of my children whilst supporting them through A-levels. Eldest has a new job for which they need the car so I have only very limited access to transport. This has a huge impact on so many aspects of life, especially as public transport is so limited and unreliable where we live. My mum is now in the last weeks of terminal cancer so I'm back to the weekend round trips of 500 miles. Moya-hen left us at the start of this week and her last hours just broke my heart. And try as I might, I simply can't get back to pre-Covid levels of energy and resilience.

So piling all of the life stuff on top of the training needed just to deserve to be on the start line of a 200 mile race has left me overwhelmed and exhausted.  I can't put in the hours of training I need to and mentally I haven't got the spare energy or the drive. There has been so much challenge and difficulty in daily life that I feel no inclination to seek out the self-indulgence of extreme ultra suffering- I don't need to prove that I can suffer and keep going.  I feel in the middle of a perfect storm and something has to give- I'm not willing for that something to be my family or my health and sanity. 

But maybe I never cared enough about the race in the first place. Maybe my motivation isn't honest enough- am I still trying to prove a point to people who don't care and shouldn't matter any more?  Maybe you're thinking I don't have what it takes anyway.

Fortunately I have the most fantastic coach and I'm going to keep working with him, just adjust the focus and perhaps work towards a completely different goal in a completely different sport. Watch this space...