Running Solo

 It happened again. 

I woke one morning and the sky wasn't there any more. Just a crushing absence, a huge weight of emptiness. 

For some time this year I've been plagued with a recurring dream, more of a nightmare really. I was at the finish of Dragon's Back, looking for my fella. I couldn't find him. When I did see him, he was with someone else.

I've been in a strange place with running for a while. Partly down to injury and partly down to the sheer stress and busy-ness of life both at work and at home. The desire to run long or race is still absent, perhaps because of the loss of confidence from injury. Physically I'm still not properly recovered- my right leg and foot don't seem to be working properly- but there's no pain and my mobility has improved. Mentally there's a huge fear when I consider the prospect of racing and also an overwhelming exhaustion- I'm not ready to face long drives, very early starts, driving home straight after running a long way. And I don't feel like seeking out more suffering when there's so much of it each day anyway.

This year was full of plans. Now there are none, no dreams, no celebrations. It's a very dark place to be. I'll survive and keep going because I have to, but a life with nothing but that isn't much of a life. I'm looking forward to the end of this race.