I'm grieving for the loss of someone who isn't dead. It's not a good place to be. Waves of sadness, pain and anger wash over me, sometimes at quite random moments. The unexpectedness unbalances me, sweeps my feet from under me, and I'm submerged- unable to see or breathe.
I'm grieving for the loss of the future, a shared vision, adventures. Your footsteps, smile and steely blue-grey eyes haunt me every time I lace up my shoes and run. Memories cling to me like the mud on my shoes weighing me down, making every step so much harder. Memories that are now punctuated with doubt and second guesses- events that should be blissfully remembered are tarnished because the truth of them is no longer sure.
I'm grieving because I thought I'd found my place to be- somewhere safe, warm, where there was love and respect. Instead I'm cut adrift and far from the sight of land. I'm surrounded by empty, grey, ceaseless motion when all I want is to stop moving and rest.
I'm grieving because there was no chance to say goodbye, to come to terms. One moment the sun shone and I was in your arms, the next you had cut me off and were gone. It is as though you are dead. Whilst you enjoy your new lease of life I'm still falling further and further from the light.
"In the end it didn't even matter"
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