Keep on plodding

 After recent setbacks I'm doing my best to get back on track for the last few weeks of training. I ended up taking most of a week off work because of something that had happened; my attempts to go back like normal, to brush it off and just get on with things resulted in a real, physical reaction. High stress levels are definitely a trigger for worsening many of my menopausal symptoms (especially palpitations and GI stuff), so the last week has been quite a struggle one way or another. But despite all that I managed a fairly consistent week of training last week although neither of my structured runs went to plan. Ideally I'd like to stick to the plan of two structured speed/hills runs a week plus 1 easy and 2 long runs but if life and stuff are getting in the way I'll settle for consistency. Fretting about missing an intervals session or a decent set of hill reps is counter-productive; it won't undo everything that's come before but it will waste energy.            

Nutrition is proving tricky again. High stress really messes up my gut and at the moment it's not easy finding nutritious food my stomach will tolerate. I've lost around a kg and if I'm honest, although some of my clothes might look better on me for less weight, I need that kg for race reserves. I'm still playing around with race day food too. At the weekend I tried an apple and cinnamon Mountain Fuel gel but spat out the first mouthful as it really wasn't to my taste. So now, rather than throw any more money at gels, bars, chews or whatever, I'm going to get some very small freezer bags and make little portions of rice pudding 'gel'. Might not be quite as tidy to eat on the go as a gel, but I'm all out of ideas now. Hopefully I'll get to try this out at the weekend.

The one thing I haven't done that I really need to, is get out on the race loop in the dark. Realistically that will probably only happen once, and for one loop, but I just want to know that I can safely navigate it in the dark. The last couple of miles I've done as it's the last part of the Two Towers, but I'm a little apprehensive about several stretches earlier on. About 3 miles in there are several  turnings it could be easy to miss in the dark, and around 6 or 7 miles in there's a stretch where the trail itself isn't clear and even in daylight I've found myself wandering off course slightly. It's funny, in a race situation being on my own in the dark doesn't worry me but I do get fretful if it's on a training run and I worry if I 'ought' to be out in the dark 'just' for a training run. 

What else? Nothing much. I don't do or achieve anything spectacular or out of the ordinary, just plod along trying to make the best of things. I've found keeping up the training and trying to focus on eating well hard work this year, and I'm mindful of the countless sacrifices made along the way to this race. Not just sacrifices where I've got up and trained even though I wanted to stay in bed, or not had biscuits when I really wanted some, but all the times training has impacted on my family. I feel guilty putting a race above everything else. It's been hard, really hard and once this is done I need a long break.

For now though, it's onwards and upwards. Keep plodding.

Mike refusing to be defeated by Satan's staircase

Setbacks

 Despite taking some time to recover after Two Towers, it's been hard to get back to training again. It could be that the race took more out of me than I realised at the time; it could be the change in seasons as I find the extra hours of dark make me feel more tired and less inclined to want to do anything other than eat biscuits; it could be because of work (which has been awful). It could also be because of a few weekends that have been all out of the usual routine. But whatever the reason, I'm just not where I need to be in terms of training or in my mental state and I don't know what to do.

This weekend I've tried to salvage a far from ideal training week by getting out for 2 long runs. These days unless I'm doing a double Copthorne I don't often run more than 10-12 miles in one go in training because I just get so tired and not enough time to recover, but I managed almost 17 miles yesterday and 14 today with around 1100m of up. Probably I should have gone somewhere to get more hill work, but I couldn't face getting in the car; next weekend I'll find some bigger hills.

It's only 6 weeks until race day- what felt so far away is now almost here-  so for the next 4 weeks I really need to push on, keep up the strength and speed work, and keep hiking up hills. I also need to sit and plan race day nutrition- although I've been working hard to pay attention to my daily diet, I've not spent enough time thinking about what I need to be eating during the race. After Two Towers I knew I'd have to find some alternative ways of getting calories in, in case of not being able to face actually eating. Since then I've tried some of the Mountain Fuel energy powder and, after a bit of experimenting, seem to have found a way to make that work for me. It's expensive, and I'm avoiding thinking about how much I've spent on getting ready for this race, but I guess all the money I've not spent on wine over the last 10 months has contributed to race kit and nutrition.

 I think I've said before that this is the first time I've approached a race with a really clear, competitive goal. This scares me quite a bit and I worry that I'm not treating the race with enough respect. Who am I to think I can finish this race? Plenty of far more accomplished runners have failed to cross the finish line so why should I be any different? On the other hand, there's no point in starting the race if I don't believe there's a chance of finishing. It's time to regain focus somehow and let race day bring what it brings.

Recovery and onwards

 It's already two weeks since Two Towers and getting back into training has been hard. For once I really did take a proper post-race recovery week because although my legs felt absolutely fine, I knew underneath that my mind and body would still be fatigued. Lack of sleep has been the biggest problem because there's just been no opportunity to try to catch up. Work is intense and full-on as ever, and last weekend I was volunteering at Centurion Running's Chiltern Wonderland so although that stopped me from going out on a long training run (which was a good thing), it was still a long day on my feet. It was fun and I got to work with a great team, but it did leave me very tired. 

This week has been the first week of my last training block before Copthorne. It's not quite gone to plan as I've still felt very tired and it feels like I'm fighting off the first lurgy of the school term. There are various lurgies doing the rounds and I'm doing my best to stay healthy- I really can't afford to get ill at this point. So far this week I've managed both my planned strength sessions but the running hasn't quite gone to plan because of being tired and giving myself a bit of a hamstring niggle during my intervals session on Tuesday. However, today I managed to turn what would have felt like a pointless plod into something more constructive: while the car was being serviced I ran 5 miles to find a hill then did 10 reps to get about 300m ascent in about 3 miles. The 5 mile return journey felt very hard though!

At this point the training is beginning to feel like a bind; most days the alarm starts glowing around 4.40am (daylight alarm clock) and I just want to stay under the blankets. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's just seven more weeks of hard training then I can taper, and then we'll see if almost 11 months of hard slog will pay off. The race is the 'victory lap'- the celebration of all the hard work put in just to get to the start line. 

Nutrition is not going so well. I'm trying to make good food choices but tiredness and busyness have meant some days I just haven't bothered with dinner- right now there are too many cheese sandwiches or cheese toasties in my life. It's easy to berate myself for not doing and eating all the right things, but I'm trying not to. There's only so much I can do; eating something is better than eating nothing and I guess I could do a lot worse than a cheese sandwich.

In terms of race food I've splashed out on some nut butter sachets. The one I tried today was lovely although a bit messy to eat as you squeeze out the last bits of it, and the cold meant some of it was set quite hard so difficult to get out of the sachet. For the first time I'm contemplating trying a carbohydrate drink. In principle I'm not a fan of liquid calories, but given the difficulty I've had trying to get actual food down I think it's sensible to try this approach. I've had Tailwind in the past but didn't like it much, so need to investigate other options. 

The heart stuff that was beginning to bother me about a year ago has resurfaced. This time I know it's basically hormone-related and exacerbated by tiredness and stress, but I wish it would go away. Looking at myself in the mirror today I saw how events a year ago have left visible marks- the wrinkles are now so many and so deep. Acknowledging the damage is painful but it's the only way I can grow. And I have to keep growing because there's still so much life and love and light to reach out for.

A post-script

 I left something out of my post about the Two Towers race as I'd promised to write about the race for Allan and one thing wasn't really relevant to a race report but is very much part of my journey both in running and life.

Almost 6 months ago I wrote a post about beginning to feel better about running and life again. Not only did I make new friends on that hike and start to feel some love for running the trails again, but it was the beginning of finding some love in my life. In August I mentioned that there's been a lot of change, and one of those changes is Mike. 

 Mike and I have known each other for years- tiny phone friends who a couple of times have coincided at races. In fact, we ran a fair chunk of our first 100 miler together at the 2018 edition of the Autumn 100 (read about that here). Logistically things are not straightforward but the faith and the commitment are, and that's all that matters. I never thought I'd be in this situation again and was entirely focussing on training for the Copthorne later this year as a kind of substitute for a meaningful relationship. In previous posts I've written that I've felt overwhelmed with the grief and hurt of events last year and that at times keeping my head above water has felt too much. Now it feels as though I have an anchor. 

It means so much to know he'll be there at the Copthorne- that race is going to ask more of me than anything I've ever done and I'm not ashamed to say I will need Mike's support to help me through. We make a good team and I think the future is full of many miles and smiles.

Racing again- the Two Towers 50km night race

 After a gap of almost a year I did a race. I thought I'd forgotten how to do this ultra-running stuff and spent at least the week prior to the race stressing, worrying, not sleeping and not eating but it turns out I hadn't forgotten at all...

The Two Towers 50k is a new race put on by Canary Trail Events and is a 50km loop around Surrey taking in a few classics such as Leith Hill, and the Box Hill stepping stones and steps. It's over mixed terrain- there's pretty much a bit of everything to run on- some of it extremely runnable, a few bits not so much and you really had better enjoy climbing up steps!

Registration at Mickleham village hall was well organised and efficient with the volunteers checking that everyone had the mandatory kit. Unlike some races, the compulsory kit is pretty basic but you must carry a canary at all times. Being an avid knitter of small creatures and random stuff I was able to make my own and I had it attached to my pack weeks ahead of the race as I was so paranoid about forgetting or losing it!

The last of the light had almost gone when the race started and straight away you're under tree cover so headtorches were on from the beginning. You're also going uphill from the start which, if you try to take it too quick, will come back and bite you later! Having said that, I spent the first maybe half of the race going rather quicker than I'd intended. It was so long since I'd run at night that I was really worried about getting lost and I tried desperately hard to keep up with the group of guys in front. I had the gpx on my watch but somehow it hadn't loaded so after about 1.5 miles I had to stop and restart my watch. That really rattled me and I think I allowed it to take too much mental energy. The route was marked, but as I ran along it was apparent that people had taken down signs and there were a few places where it really wasn't clear which turning to take. Having a gpx isn't quite as straightforward as all that- often it can be a bit behind where you actually are and tree cover can also make the signal somewhat approximate- but it definitely helped and a couple of times it saved me and others from heading in the wrong direction.

It's hard to recall details of the route- pretty much everything was unfamiliar to me- but although there was a decent bit of up and some gnarly bits, plenty was quite runnable. Allan, the RD, has a knack of making routes that mess with your head and I found a few stretches where I just lost all sense of direction and a twisting, turning trail seemingly going on for ever without actually getting me anywhere! The climb to Leith Hill was not fun if you're familiar with the area because apparently we were very close to the tower at the top but instead of taking the usual trail, the route sends you down a gully before you then get to climb back up. That didn't bother me really as I had no idea where I was in relation to anywhere, but it did seem to upset a few other runners!

A lot of the race was a low point. Because I'd gone off too quick my heart rate was higher than it should have been which meant fairly soon I was feeling sick and struggling to eat. The checkpoints were great and the volunteers working at them were equally great, but other than one piece of water melon and a few crisps I don't think I took anything from any of them. Maybe a bit of Coke at one. Perhaps if there'd been more savoury snacks on offer I might have managed to eat a little more but, despite coaxing from the volunteers, I just couldn't face eating. Nutrition is clearly something I still need to work on and it's certainly not the fault of the checkpoints that I didn't fuel properly. 

** An aside to any perimenopausal runners reading this- I'm finding that I feel I need to wee more on long runs but often don't manage to, and also feeling quite uncomfortable like I'm about to get a urine infection. And I spent a fair bit of the race feeling like this. I think that's a hormonal thing and although I've been on HRT for a while now it definitely makes a race more difficult. Partly because of the feeling uncomfortable but also the worrying about trying to find a place to have a wee takes up energy. I've no idea what the solution is (although I should probably drink way more than I do) but just thought I'd mention it. **

The best part was the last 4ish miles as I was on familiar trails then. The mist that had appeared from time to time throughout the race didn't bother me at this point as at least now I knew where I was going. Earlier on there were some thick patches of mist and fog making it hard to see the trail and spot the markers and turnings. I'm not super-excited about the Box Hill stepping stones as every time I cross them I'm scared of falling in, but it was such a relief to reach them this time. However I nearly did fall in when I saw someone filming us crossing the stones! 

After the stepping stones it was the famous Box Hill steps (which have recently been repaired). It's still a long way to the very top but the steps are now in much better condition so the climb to the view point is relatively smooth and easy. Even though it was dark, I did briefly stop and look out from the trig point but I could smell the barn and just wanted to get the race done. It felt like forever running along the Happy Valley trail to the second tower; it's always a bit further than I remember and in the dark it felt like miles. After that it's some downhill, some steps down and then the sting in the tail- Satan's Staircase. It sounds like bragging, but I quite like Satan's. Yes it's tough, especially coming at the end when your legs are tired, but it's so close the finish that for me it only has positive associations and that really helps me through this section. Legs and lungs still burn a bit at the top but as long as you safely negotiate the Goodnight Sweetheart descent then it's all done and dusted.

Goodnight Sweetheart is a bit of a nasty descent especially if you're rubbish at downhill like me, as it's rooty, steeper than it appears, and can be quite slippery. But I've run it enough times now so I know where the worst bits are (mind the barbed wire at ground level on the left) and just descend gingerly then run like heck to the finish. Oh, and don't forget the stile about 1/4 mile from the end!

I crossed the finish line back at Mickleham around 3am with nothing left. Allan was waiting at the finish and I greeted him with the words "You! You're a very bad man!". I went into the hall and had the biggest hug from the Volunteer Coordinator, Mike (who did a fantastic job of organising everyone and finding last minute help). He'd been worried about me the whole race because my tracker hadn't worked so there'd been no record of me passing any of the timing points or going through the check points. Mike pretty much had to carry me to a chair because as soon as I stopped running I felt so sick and dizzy and my legs went to jelly. A volunteer brought tea and then Allan gave me my medal.

Medal from Allan

"Now you know you came 3rd you're a lot happier with the race!"

It was at that point I discovered I was 3rd lady (and fastest old lady!). No trophy or anything for 3rd place but I was fine with that. I hadn't had a good race, I'd been pretty miserable for large parts of it, but it was the race I needed to have.

There's a brilliant video of the race on the Canary Trail Events Facebook page so do take a look. And do read about the incredible Eros and his guide Sarah who completed the race. If that doesn't inspire you I've no idea what will! For any women reading this who are nervous about night running or ultra running check out this page on the CTE website. 

Trying to sum up the race to friends I wrote:

"Super fun race. You need to enter, and it's loads cheaper than many other ultras out there. Plus there's steps. And stepping stones. And some up. And towers. And a load of owls."

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles I go before I sleep.

Growing pains

 Since April I have sat down and tried to write another blog post so many times but could never quite figure out what I wanted to say or get the words right. Hopefully this time it will work out.

Since last writing there has been a lot of change. Some of these changes have been incredibly difficult to live with and I feel as though I've been in a state of flight-or-fight for so long. Some changes are those that come as your children become adults and are a mixture of relief, pride, and sorrow. This summer we've had A-levels and GCSEs in our house and it's not been an easy time. Nevertheless both teens survived, did the best they could and are settling in to new challenges. Work challenges are not something I write about here- suffice to say last term in particular was difficult and the coming year is not going to be an easy one either as enormous changes are happening as the school grows. My priority is not to become exhausted by it all.

Running has remained a challenge despite finishing the Centurion virtual slam. I had a really good block of training through to July which was supposed to culminate in a 24 hour race- the Copthorne Canter run by Canary Trail Events. Unfortunately the event was cancelled as the National Trust hadn't finished repair work to some trails in time, but as I'd worked so hard I decided to run it anyway.  I'd planned on running a maximum of 100km for the Canter as I didn't want to leave myself needing too much recovery, but as there was no race I figured 50 miles around the Surrey Hills would be decent and give me a good idea of where I was at in terms of fitness.

My 'I don't think I'm having fun' face

It was tough running loop after loop on my own but I was fortunate to have some support at my 'checkpoint' and, later on, access to cups of tea! It was mostly pretty good although I never quite felt properly settled in. Towards the end of the fourth loop I almost took a fall on the last downhill when I caught one foot then the other on big chunks of flint. I'm not sure how I managed to land on my feet rather than my face and it really rattled me. Luckily I had someone to pace me for the last 10 miles and that made a big difference, although around 45 miles I had a typical ultra-meltdown and stood in Boxhill sobbing because it hurt so much and I was so tired and didn't want to run any more. However, the last ascent of Satan's Staircase wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, and apparently I practically flew into the village hall on the last quarter mile so I think there really is something to be said for the restorative properties of a power sob! In the end I completed 51 miles with 3,108m ascent in just under 13.5 hours.

All races should have cheese, grapes and pineapple on sticks at the finish

Since that little outing it's been really hard to get back into regular decent training. Over the summer break I've been extremely tired, back to a lot of pain first thing in the morning, and dealing with bouts of nausea and dizziness. The brain demons have been getting very noisy too and I know that trying to deal with them has taken so much energy and eaten away at times where I should have been content and relaxed. Any of these things could be down to hormonal stuff, but could also be because I've had so little time to myself and I'm just fatigued at a very deep level. Whatever it is, I need to keep going and do my best to stay strong and healthy.

What's next?

A night race in a couple of weeks time and then at the end of November it's the race this whole year is about- the Copthorne Races. Specifically the Copthorne 100. There hasn't been a female finisher...

...Yet.

Not the Copthorne Canter completed with help from Michele, Bailey, Fiona and especially from Mike. Cheese and pineapple provided by Ivor and Cara. Thank you all.

Finished!

 

And it's done at last. 600 miles completed with 5 days to spare. There were times when I really didn't think I'd complete the challenge, but the bloody-minded streak in me wouldn't let me quit. 

Mostly it wasn't much fun- there was a lot of going out in the dark to plod out 4 or 5 more miles, trying to keep things ticking over and my mind full of unhappy thoughts. A few times I've run and felt really strong. And a couple of times I've not had to run alone which was really lovely. 

What has this experience taught me? Well, running a higher mileage isn't sustainable for me any more. The last time I was regularly running +40 miles a week I was working part-time, I wasn't having to make regular trips to Devon and I wasn't having heart issues. Trying to keep up with the miles on top of a full-time job, the teens, my parents, all the difficulties that the last months have thrown my way, has been exhausting. In the end I had to let strength work go because I'd got to the point where I was too tired to train twice a day; neither my mind nor my body wanted anything to do with it. I had to neglect the creative side of me too because in the evenings I was too tired to concentrate on making things. On the other hand, it's let me see that I am mentally tough enough. There were plenty of days when I hated running, when I really didn't want to put on my shoes and leave the house, when I so desperately wanted to quit. But in spite of it all I kept going.

So if higher mileage training isn't sustainable I do need a new way of approaching things. I think I have a plan in mind, but I'm going to talk it through with a fitness coach. For ordinary everyday fitness, running much less and doing more strength is just fine. Whether it's the right thing to do for what I want to achieve I'm not sure. Watch this space...

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to taking the rest of the week off. No running, probably no training of any kind. I want to make some things, sort out the garden a bit, sleep, eat, make the most of not being at work. Next week I'll start some strength training again and, I hope, get to see a friend or two. 

Today it feels like there is light somewhere along my path