Christmas miles started with the Portsmouth Coastal 50k Ultra on Sunday. Not being what I would call race fit I decided I would jeff it- 10 minutes running then 2 minutes walking- for at least the first 20 miles, and as long as I got round without breaking then it would be a good outcome. It's a good race to jeff as it's pretty much flat and about 50% of the terrain is quite smooth making power walking relatively easy.
It's a while since I properly jeffed anything and it was dispiriting after the first 10 minutes to be overtaken by the majority of the runners as I hit the walk break. But I stuck to it and found that after a while I was easily making up the distance I 'lost' each time I walked. The walk breaks weren't rigidly 2 minutes each time- I often started jogging with about 30 seconds left and once, towards the end as I left a CP, I got mixed up what I should have been doing and walked when it should have been running. A costly mistake as it turns out...
Anyway, the race was nice although I was pretty much on my own all the way round. My fuelling strategy wasn't very sensible- mostly shots of mulled wine- and almost none of the CPs had any savoury snacks so I managed on a bit of chocolate, some Jaffa Cakes (which I hate) and a few tortilla chips. I kept putting off the moment to stop jeffing; I felt not too bad most of the race although the mile or so along the beach at Hayling Island to the turnaround really sapped my energy and was probably the low point for me. But mentally I really lacked belief and strength: I doubted my ability to finish and didn't trust my body to stay strong, so I kept saying to myself from about 20 miles 'just one more walk break then I'll run in'. I didn't keep running until probably 3 or 4 miles left and even then didn't push it because I kept expecting to blow up.
I sort of missed the finish line- I couldn't see where it was so didn't really pick up the pace for the last bit- and then it took me probably half a minute to stop my watch once I'd finished! I didn't even look at my finish time. But the not-fella (who'd also run the race) was at the finish and said "If you'd gone 23 seconds quicker you'd have finished in the top 10 and come in under 5 hours". I was pleased- astonished- at first as I'd never had any goal other than to finish and as it turned out I got myself a 50k PB of 5hrs 22 seconds. But then disappointment and the 'if onlys' set in. It shouldn't make any difference where I placed, especially as I was just aiming to complete not compete. But it really did take the edge off what is a pretty decent achievement particularly given how this year has gone in terms of health, impact repeated illness has had on training, and all the heartbreak. And when you think about it, I must have walked something around 45 minutes of that race but still finished 2nd in my age category, 11th female and 99th out of 277 finishers.
The race went far better than I thought it would but it shows I have a lot of work to do. I need to get back to a level of fitness that will make it easier for my mind to trust my body, and somehow I need to build mental resilience. This will be hard when events of this year have undermined my (often fragile) confidence, left me without love and emotional stability, and have made me question my identity and worth as a person, but somehow I need to find a way.
Every day is watered with tears and every day my heart aches. I am too old and too hurt to reinvent myself yet again but perhaps I can find a new strength and purpose in running.
Merry Christmas and may your feet enjoy many happy miles
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