I've wanted to write for a while but have been struggling to find the words. Trying to be honest but not let a public blog become too personal is not an easy line to tread. But this is not the only line I'm finding it hard to stay on the right side of. I am back training regularly but having to take things very carefully since these days it's proving hard to work on my fitness whilst not taxing my immune system. So often it feels as though I'm on the verge of yet another tonsil infection, and added to that the mid-life hormones plus a perfect storm of life-stresses is making me extremely tired.
I've had all my bloods done and it's all come back within normal ranges. Next week I have an urgent appointment with the ENT consultant because the recurring infections are a concern. I also have a permanently enlarged tonsil and few lumpy bits in my neck. There's the small possibility of a cancer but my GP has referred me more to have the consultant confirm his opinion that it's not cancer than because he's very concerned it might be the big C. It still feels like a huge weight on my shoulders and although life has been utterly miserable and I'm desolate, I'm really not ready to have a life-limiting diagnosis: my kids need me to be around for another 5 years at least until they are both adults and able to fend for themselves.
Training is going ok, although I'm only in my 2nd week of consistent work since CTS Gower last month. I've decided to keep proper running to 3 or 4 times a week, and not on consecutive days and to do two strength sessions a week, both on days when I run so that the days off are properly that. It's not easy fitting in double days as it were but I think it's the best way to manage things for now at least. The week's long 'run' is more of a hike with bits of running. Last Sunday I managed about 15 miles and because I'd hiked most of the first 8 miles I was able to jog most of the way back along the canal. Days off I try to get a 3-4 mile walk done but that's not always possible. It's too early to say if this new approach to training is working or if it's the right way to be going about things, but I have to start somewhere and give it a few weeks before reviewing the situation.
The strength work I'm doing is the stuff I was doing when training for the A100 last year. It worked well for me then as I felt fitter and stronger than ever at the start of that race and I'm hoping that if I can maintain consistency it will do the same for me again. For now there's no aim of trying to increase weight or reps- I want to regain my fitness levels first then carefully and slowly improve. Whilst the battle to keep what little figure I've ever had is probably one I'll lose due to the loopy hormones, a soft and saggy tummy doesn't have to mean I can't aim to run a 45 minute 10k again. The hormones will do what they do and no one but me will care what I look like anyway.
Life itself is desolate. There is a gaping hole that was once filled with love. Running gives me little pleasure but I'm doing it because I have to do something and anyway my bones need to run in order to slow down their crumbling. As for Christmas, I'm dreading it. I'm not a Christmassy person really and although I'm used to being on my own during that week it can still be lonely and bleak. This year it will be all the more so. I had made plans for a 2 day hike and wild camp but given the current state of my immune system that's probably not a great idea.
A plan B is needed but I've no idea what that will be yet.
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