It's been a really tough time. My youngest got the 'rona and although not particularly ill with it they've since been suffering with something like vertigo and ended up in hospital with it. Their recovery is going to be long and far from smooth, but today they are having a good day and I cannot begin to describe the relief that brings.
I've been trying to keep moving but, given all the stresses and worries, I've decided that a sensible goal is to aim for 30 minutes of exercise most days. Some days I can manage more, some days I don't do anything but I'm learning to live with all the worries and hurts, and to live with what I think is a more realistic set of goals.
People often use running as a way of escaping things in their life, a kind of running away. I've done that in the past but actually it's not all that helpful. It can turn running into something that's negative, and if for some reason you can't run- perhaps because of injury or just being busy- you have no way of managing the things you want to forget or escape. And running away can cause injury in itself- it's so easy to do too much when you need to run for anaesthesia.
The other week I was out on a run and a thought suddenly came into my head: run with all the hurt and sorrow; hold it, accept it for what it is and why it's there. I can't outrun it, and trying to live permanently anaesthetised isn't going work either. It will be with me for as long as this particular part of my life lasts and that's something I can't control. I can't make my heart heal quicker, I can't make my child whole again. And just as I've sat with my child and held them and all their pain, so each run is a time of holding and being with my own hurt.
I hope that learning acceptance and enduring much of what this year has brought will make me a better runner. But I also hope that I don't have to live through another year like this.
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