A post-script

 I left something out of my post about the Two Towers race as I'd promised to write about the race for Allan and one thing wasn't really relevant to a race report but is very much part of my journey both in running and life.

Almost 6 months ago I wrote a post about beginning to feel better about running and life again. Not only did I make new friends on that hike and start to feel some love for running the trails again, but it was the beginning of finding some love in my life. In August I mentioned that there's been a lot of change, and one of those changes is Mike. 

 Mike and I have known each other for years- tiny phone friends who a couple of times have coincided at races. In fact, we ran a fair chunk of our first 100 miler together at the 2018 edition of the Autumn 100 (read about that here). Logistically things are not straightforward but the faith and the commitment are, and that's all that matters. I never thought I'd be in this situation again and was entirely focussing on training for the Copthorne later this year as a kind of substitute for a meaningful relationship. In previous posts I've written that I've felt overwhelmed with the grief and hurt of events last year and that at times keeping my head above water has felt too much. Now it feels as though I have an anchor. 

It means so much to know he'll be there at the Copthorne- that race is going to ask more of me than anything I've ever done and I'm not ashamed to say I will need Mike's support to help me through. We make a good team and I think the future is full of many miles and smiles.

Racing again- the Two Towers 50km night race

 After a gap of almost a year I did a race. I thought I'd forgotten how to do this ultra-running stuff and spent at least the week prior to the race stressing, worrying, not sleeping and not eating but it turns out I hadn't forgotten at all...

The Two Towers 50k is a new race put on by Canary Trail Events and is a 50km loop around Surrey taking in a few classics such as Leith Hill, and the Box Hill stepping stones and steps. It's over mixed terrain- there's pretty much a bit of everything to run on- some of it extremely runnable, a few bits not so much and you really had better enjoy climbing up steps!

Registration at Mickleham village hall was well organised and efficient with the volunteers checking that everyone had the mandatory kit. Unlike some races, the compulsory kit is pretty basic but you must carry a canary at all times. Being an avid knitter of small creatures and random stuff I was able to make my own and I had it attached to my pack weeks ahead of the race as I was so paranoid about forgetting or losing it!

The last of the light had almost gone when the race started and straight away you're under tree cover so headtorches were on from the beginning. You're also going uphill from the start which, if you try to take it too quick, will come back and bite you later! Having said that, I spent the first maybe half of the race going rather quicker than I'd intended. It was so long since I'd run at night that I was really worried about getting lost and I tried desperately hard to keep up with the group of guys in front. I had the gpx on my watch but somehow it hadn't loaded so after about 1.5 miles I had to stop and restart my watch. That really rattled me and I think I allowed it to take too much mental energy. The route was marked, but as I ran along it was apparent that people had taken down signs and there were a few places where it really wasn't clear which turning to take. Having a gpx isn't quite as straightforward as all that- often it can be a bit behind where you actually are and tree cover can also make the signal somewhat approximate- but it definitely helped and a couple of times it saved me and others from heading in the wrong direction.

It's hard to recall details of the route- pretty much everything was unfamiliar to me- but although there was a decent bit of up and some gnarly bits, plenty was quite runnable. Allan, the RD, has a knack of making routes that mess with your head and I found a few stretches where I just lost all sense of direction and a twisting, turning trail seemingly going on for ever without actually getting me anywhere! The climb to Leith Hill was not fun if you're familiar with the area because apparently we were very close to the tower at the top but instead of taking the usual trail, the route sends you down a gully before you then get to climb back up. That didn't bother me really as I had no idea where I was in relation to anywhere, but it did seem to upset a few other runners!

A lot of the race was a low point. Because I'd gone off too quick my heart rate was higher than it should have been which meant fairly soon I was feeling sick and struggling to eat. The checkpoints were great and the volunteers working at them were equally great, but other than one piece of water melon and a few crisps I don't think I took anything from any of them. Maybe a bit of Coke at one. Perhaps if there'd been more savoury snacks on offer I might have managed to eat a little more but, despite coaxing from the volunteers, I just couldn't face eating. Nutrition is clearly something I still need to work on and it's certainly not the fault of the checkpoints that I didn't fuel properly. 

** An aside to any perimenopausal runners reading this- I'm finding that I feel I need to wee more on long runs but often don't manage to, and also feeling quite uncomfortable like I'm about to get a urine infection. And I spent a fair bit of the race feeling like this. I think that's a hormonal thing and although I've been on HRT for a while now it definitely makes a race more difficult. Partly because of the feeling uncomfortable but also the worrying about trying to find a place to have a wee takes up energy. I've no idea what the solution is (although I should probably drink way more than I do) but just thought I'd mention it. **

The best part was the last 4ish miles as I was on familiar trails then. The mist that had appeared from time to time throughout the race didn't bother me at this point as at least now I knew where I was going. Earlier on there were some thick patches of mist and fog making it hard to see the trail and spot the markers and turnings. I'm not super-excited about the Box Hill stepping stones as every time I cross them I'm scared of falling in, but it was such a relief to reach them this time. However I nearly did fall in when I saw someone filming us crossing the stones! 

After the stepping stones it was the famous Box Hill steps (which have recently been repaired). It's still a long way to the very top but the steps are now in much better condition so the climb to the view point is relatively smooth and easy. Even though it was dark, I did briefly stop and look out from the trig point but I could smell the barn and just wanted to get the race done. It felt like forever running along the Happy Valley trail to the second tower; it's always a bit further than I remember and in the dark it felt like miles. After that it's some downhill, some steps down and then the sting in the tail- Satan's Staircase. It sounds like bragging, but I quite like Satan's. Yes it's tough, especially coming at the end when your legs are tired, but it's so close the finish that for me it only has positive associations and that really helps me through this section. Legs and lungs still burn a bit at the top but as long as you safely negotiate the Goodnight Sweetheart descent then it's all done and dusted.

Goodnight Sweetheart is a bit of a nasty descent especially if you're rubbish at downhill like me, as it's rooty, steeper than it appears, and can be quite slippery. But I've run it enough times now so I know where the worst bits are (mind the barbed wire at ground level on the left) and just descend gingerly then run like heck to the finish. Oh, and don't forget the stile about 1/4 mile from the end!

I crossed the finish line back at Mickleham around 3am with nothing left. Allan was waiting at the finish and I greeted him with the words "You! You're a very bad man!". I went into the hall and had the biggest hug from the Volunteer Coordinator, Mike (who did a fantastic job of organising everyone and finding last minute help). He'd been worried about me the whole race because my tracker hadn't worked so there'd been no record of me passing any of the timing points or going through the check points. Mike pretty much had to carry me to a chair because as soon as I stopped running I felt so sick and dizzy and my legs went to jelly. A volunteer brought tea and then Allan gave me my medal.

Medal from Allan

"Now you know you came 3rd you're a lot happier with the race!"

It was at that point I discovered I was 3rd lady (and fastest old lady!). No trophy or anything for 3rd place but I was fine with that. I hadn't had a good race, I'd been pretty miserable for large parts of it, but it was the race I needed to have.

There's a brilliant video of the race on the Canary Trail Events Facebook page so do take a look. And do read about the incredible Eros and his guide Sarah who completed the race. If that doesn't inspire you I've no idea what will! For any women reading this who are nervous about night running or ultra running check out this page on the CTE website. 

Trying to sum up the race to friends I wrote:

"Super fun race. You need to enter, and it's loads cheaper than many other ultras out there. Plus there's steps. And stepping stones. And some up. And towers. And a load of owls."

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles I go before I sleep.

Growing pains

 Since April I have sat down and tried to write another blog post so many times but could never quite figure out what I wanted to say or get the words right. Hopefully this time it will work out.

Since last writing there has been a lot of change. Some of these changes have been incredibly difficult to live with and I feel as though I've been in a state of flight-or-fight for so long. Some changes are those that come as your children become adults and are a mixture of relief, pride, and sorrow. This summer we've had A-levels and GCSEs in our house and it's not been an easy time. Nevertheless both teens survived, did the best they could and are settling in to new challenges. Work challenges are not something I write about here- suffice to say last term in particular was difficult and the coming year is not going to be an easy one either as enormous changes are happening as the school grows. My priority is not to become exhausted by it all.

Running has remained a challenge despite finishing the Centurion virtual slam. I had a really good block of training through to July which was supposed to culminate in a 24 hour race- the Copthorne Canter run by Canary Trail Events. Unfortunately the event was cancelled as the National Trust hadn't finished repair work to some trails in time, but as I'd worked so hard I decided to run it anyway.  I'd planned on running a maximum of 100km for the Canter as I didn't want to leave myself needing too much recovery, but as there was no race I figured 50 miles around the Surrey Hills would be decent and give me a good idea of where I was at in terms of fitness.

My 'I don't think I'm having fun' face

It was tough running loop after loop on my own but I was fortunate to have some support at my 'checkpoint' and, later on, access to cups of tea! It was mostly pretty good although I never quite felt properly settled in. Towards the end of the fourth loop I almost took a fall on the last downhill when I caught one foot then the other on big chunks of flint. I'm not sure how I managed to land on my feet rather than my face and it really rattled me. Luckily I had someone to pace me for the last 10 miles and that made a big difference, although around 45 miles I had a typical ultra-meltdown and stood in Boxhill sobbing because it hurt so much and I was so tired and didn't want to run any more. However, the last ascent of Satan's Staircase wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, and apparently I practically flew into the village hall on the last quarter mile so I think there really is something to be said for the restorative properties of a power sob! In the end I completed 51 miles with 3,108m ascent in just under 13.5 hours.

All races should have cheese, grapes and pineapple on sticks at the finish

Since that little outing it's been really hard to get back into regular decent training. Over the summer break I've been extremely tired, back to a lot of pain first thing in the morning, and dealing with bouts of nausea and dizziness. The brain demons have been getting very noisy too and I know that trying to deal with them has taken so much energy and eaten away at times where I should have been content and relaxed. Any of these things could be down to hormonal stuff, but could also be because I've had so little time to myself and I'm just fatigued at a very deep level. Whatever it is, I need to keep going and do my best to stay strong and healthy.

What's next?

A night race in a couple of weeks time and then at the end of November it's the race this whole year is about- the Copthorne Races. Specifically the Copthorne 100. There hasn't been a female finisher...

...Yet.

Not the Copthorne Canter completed with help from Michele, Bailey, Fiona and especially from Mike. Cheese and pineapple provided by Ivor and Cara. Thank you all.

Finished!

 

And it's done at last. 600 miles completed with 5 days to spare. There were times when I really didn't think I'd complete the challenge, but the bloody-minded streak in me wouldn't let me quit. 

Mostly it wasn't much fun- there was a lot of going out in the dark to plod out 4 or 5 more miles, trying to keep things ticking over and my mind full of unhappy thoughts. A few times I've run and felt really strong. And a couple of times I've not had to run alone which was really lovely. 

What has this experience taught me? Well, running a higher mileage isn't sustainable for me any more. The last time I was regularly running +40 miles a week I was working part-time, I wasn't having to make regular trips to Devon and I wasn't having heart issues. Trying to keep up with the miles on top of a full-time job, the teens, my parents, all the difficulties that the last months have thrown my way, has been exhausting. In the end I had to let strength work go because I'd got to the point where I was too tired to train twice a day; neither my mind nor my body wanted anything to do with it. I had to neglect the creative side of me too because in the evenings I was too tired to concentrate on making things. On the other hand, it's let me see that I am mentally tough enough. There were plenty of days when I hated running, when I really didn't want to put on my shoes and leave the house, when I so desperately wanted to quit. But in spite of it all I kept going.

So if higher mileage training isn't sustainable I do need a new way of approaching things. I think I have a plan in mind, but I'm going to talk it through with a fitness coach. For ordinary everyday fitness, running much less and doing more strength is just fine. Whether it's the right thing to do for what I want to achieve I'm not sure. Watch this space...

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to taking the rest of the week off. No running, probably no training of any kind. I want to make some things, sort out the garden a bit, sleep, eat, make the most of not being at work. Next week I'll start some strength training again and, I hope, get to see a friend or two. 

Today it feels like there is light somewhere along my path

Learning to Smile

 It's been longer than intended between posts. I've tried writing a few times but nothing came out right and to be quite honest I've not really had much to say. It's been so very busy and I've been so tired that there was nothing particularly interesting to write about, just the daily grind of work, family, chores, and the plods.

But this weekend has been awesome! Tiring, but really it's been the best weekend in ages and ages. I went Out, drove somewhere new, coped with driving on the M25, and met Other People. I went up a lot of hills and also went down a few steep hills.  And it made me happy.

I might have mentioned that I have a challenge much later in the year; yesterday I went out to see whether I might have it in me to attempt this challenge. Luckily for me I had lovely company including  a great guide, and the most beautiful weather. On the day the weather will probably not be lovely and there might not be much company, but yesterday was at least a start in the right direction. Anyway, given that my legs feel super-strong today even after 24 miles with 1500m climb yesterday plus a quick-ish 10 miles this morning, I think I might just have it in me to make a decent attempt at my plans. 

It's been a long time since I just went out, lost all sense of time, and was completely absorbed in every moment of being outside. But yesterday was exactly that. I hiked, smiled, laughed, and talked with other people without feeling judged or inadequate. And I didn't feel inadequate with my hiking either. I did feel a little uncomfortable being bigged up with the suggestions that I would 'beast' this challenge- it feels like too much pressure and I know that so much could go wrong on the day- but on the other hand I feel strong and up for anything. I'm scared to be confident, but I know I must carry confidence with me otherwise there's no point in continuing. They say of the Barkley Marathons that you have to believe you can finish...

It wasn't my favourite terrain- I like undulating woods and fields best- but I know I climb steep hills well and that's in my favour. I genuinely enjoy a gnarly uphill. Downhill scares the willies out of me, but I just have to practise and practise and improve everything else so that time lost on descents doesn't matter. I have to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. I'm out of my comfort zone all the time at work so really I should be able to do that with running.

The voice inside that is crying out to live and to do is getting stronger. I can't undo the wrinkles, white hair and scars of the past, but I can allow this voice to be heard and, where I can, give it free rein. I'm no longer young but there is so much living and running I want to do.

Furry cow

Smiles all round

Nope, I didn't park either of those cars

A grand day out

Plodding along

30 days 185.9 out of 600 miles 

It's 30 days into the Centurion Running virtual slam now. I'm still on target but it's been hard going. Work is very tiring at the moment, partly because of the fear of getting Covid, but there's a lot of other things going on which leave me feeling wiped out most days. It's busy being the teens' taxi driver too- they are both involved in their school's show so I've been driving them to and from rehearsals on top of the usual after school stuff.

A lot of my running has been squeezing in 4 miles here and there either in between the early morning chores before work, or after work before driving to get the teens from school. It's kept the miles ticking over but it's not really how I want to be running. It's begun to feel like a chore and in order to keep on target I've had to drop my strength work and CrossFit to a minimum. This is not something my body is best pleased with. However, the initial deep fatigue I felt with running more often has subsided and my 'easy' pace is now quicker, so there have been some fitness gains.

The lower leg issues continue to grumble. I haven't been able to unpick what's going on- there's some swelling, reduced range of motion plus some nerve impingement but it seems to be more or less manageable at the moment. I'd rather not have anything to manage and I don't know if this problem will ever properly go away, but all I can do is focus on running with good form, doing what I can to keep a decent ROM in my ankle and remember to do self-massage on my lower leg.

I will keep up with the mileage target for as long as it's compatible with staying healthy, but so far running regularly hasn't rekindled my love for it and I wonder if I ever will truly find joy in it again. 

Hitting the ground running

The Centurion Running One Slam has begun. I signed up for the 600 miles option back in October when I had a moment of feeling optimistic about running. By December I was regretting it but I've decided to give it a go and see how far I get. So far I've run 23 miles- more than I've run in a weekend for months! Although today is a bank holiday, I'm taking it as a complete rest day as I mustn't get over-enthusiastic and break myself doing too much too soon. 

I've been running to heart rate for the last week and I think it's already paying off. Twenty three miles in a weekend wouldn't have been manageable without pain and fatigue, I think, if I'd run faster, and both days there were moments when the running flowed and my body felt free. When it feels good like that it's so tempting to push on and do more, but I've learned that lesson the hard way. 

How easy it's going to be to fit in enough miles once term starts I don't know. I'm genuinely scared about being in an environment where very little will or can be done to keep everyone safe and healthy- and four evenings a week I'll be on taxi duty for the teens. I guess it'll have to be squeezing in 2 or 3 miles here and there in between everything else. If I'm lucky I get 20 minutes for lunch so a middle of the day run isn't an option. Let's not think about how tricky it'll get if the weather turns cold enough for heavy frosts or snow!

Anyway, today I will do my best to rest. There's chores to get done before being back at work but I will endeavour not to attempt too much. And we had our first Odd Box overnight so I need to do a bit of searching of recipes and creative cooking in order the make the most of the contents. It did make me eat a tangerine- there were quite a few in the selection and they're not so easy to put in recipes- so that's good. Getting better at eating a wider variety of fruit and veg is going to be an important part of completing through the Slam and staying healthy at work!