Crunch Time?

 I think it's crunch time- but I don't mean time to do lots of abs exercises. It looks like it's time to make some changes. I know this is something I have written about before and in the past sometimes just deciding that a change is needed has been enough to nudge things in a different direction.

At present, things aren't working well for me. I am broken. Niggles never really go away, my body no longer really heals, I'm never quite entirely well but permanently fighting off lurgies. Now the niggles are another injury, one that just shouldn't be because of how little I'm running.

I know there's a bunch of stuff I can't change and the result of all these stresses is a chronic, cortisol-fuelled response which is affecting how my immune system functions, contributing to poor adaptation to training and causing an increased injury risk. The fact that nothing seems to go right, that life only settles for a week or two before something else comes along to destroy any semblance of balance is part of all this too. It's also the endless struggle of the last eleven years, the unrelenting difficulties of being a single parent on a low income, the only being worthwhile because of what I can give. The mind-numbing, soul-destroying, daily grind of it all.

Next weekend I should be in Wales. It should have been a joyful occasion with the fella. When he dumped me I kept the date because I was determined that he shouldn't spoil it for me, even though going there risked seeing him with someone else or hearing cruel words. I wanted to go for me, to run somewhere new for me, achieve something for me. But I'm broken. Broken enough to know that even just the drive will aggravate this injury further, never mind running 35 miles with rather more ascent and descent that I've done all year. My spirit is broken too. I keep going because that's what everyone needs me to do not because it's what I desire to do. Quite frankly I've had enough. 

So both body and mind have reached a limit. I recall someone saying that when you reach your limit you don't break, just bend. Well I've reached my limits so many times that I'm completely bent out of shape. Stresses beyond a material's elastic limit cause it to become deformed, and I no longer resemble who I was at the start of this year.

I don't know what needs to change; I don't know what I can change. I don't think I will race again though. Life has become so precarious that I can't ever be sure of being well enough or injury-free long enough to commit to a race, nor even have the time to train. In fact it's been a long while since any kind of training schedule was impossible.

But that small voice inside is still raging. The person lost deep inside me is so desperate to get out, to be able to run, free from pain and worry. I wish I knew how to make that happen.