Baking, Making and Running

I've been baking quite a bit recently in an attempt to make the time pass and because the children like cake. So far I have tried a few new recipes, tinkered with others and had a few disasters. I like baking but it's an expensive habit.

As far as making goes it's been of the knitting sort of making. Specifically, blankets in super chunky yarns. I can't sit still for long and get impatient so this suits me well. The thick yarn knits up quickly and easily and blankets don't require too much concentration. The only thing is the yarn I'm using at the moment is all colours that are very much those of the not-fella and this is making me sad.

Running is happening as is strength training. Neither give me any joy. Nothing is if I'm honest- I feel numb and as though all the colours have gone and my senses are operating on 1% power. But I know that exercising is important especially as the loopy midlife hormones are becoming increasingly loopy and exerting an ever more visible effect on my body and mind. So probably 6 out of 7 days I run and/or power walk (trying to get back in the habit of early morning sessions too) and 3-4 days a week do some strength or core work. It's made my appetite return which is good, but I'm not even enjoying eating.

There has been a lot of what a friend calls 'toxic positivity'. Being told that if I think happy things then good things will happen, that all this bad shit has happened because I'm so negative, that I should get out there and make changes, that there are plenty of other guys out there etc. ad nauseam.

Firstly it's not easy being happy when you're heartbroken, when you're trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe you really are a nightmare and impossible and that no one could ever think you're worth really loving. It hits particularly hard when you're older and already bruised and scarred, and know time is short. It's also not easy to be happy when dealing with the circumstances I've been in for the last 10 years. Circumstances that came about precisely because I took a leap of faith and tried to change things for the better. Something I did this year too, which has resulted only in even less security and rather more stress.

Secondly, when you are in such circumstances and for so long it really does get you down. The tunnel gets longer and darker and you don't see any end to it; maybe it doesn't end.

Thirdly, I don't care about other guys out there.

So for now I'm going through the motions. Run, lift, knit, stitch, bake, work. None of it really matters. Perhaps one day I will run and feel at peace again.