A bit of blister surgery went on last night as two toes resembled painful balloons rather than toes. A few toenails will probably go over the coming weeks or months but that's ok. I can't wear my Fivefingers shoes at the moment as they don't go well with blisters and post-race feet but no one has told me off at work for wearing an old pair of race ultras.
Knees.
They are sore. Left one is complaining although I could manage the stairs at work yesterday albeit slowly. I think I'll try some gentle mobility stuff in a day or two but absolutely no running of any kind for a while. Recovery is likely to take longer than usual given I started out depleted so the focus should probably be on improving mobility and rebuilding muscle. I do have a little 50k booked for just before Christmas. It was going to be a short break with the fella- but obviously it won't be now. I still want to do the race but it's too much to drive down to the coast, run 50k and drive home all in one day so I'll have to see if I can figure out logistics.
Shoulders.
And back and upper arms. All a bit sore and achy. My back feels bruised although it's too far down from where my pack would have been so I'm not sure what that's all about. I hadn't run with sticks since OCC so I was expecting to be a bit sore in the arms after over 30 miles using sticks to power hike but it's a reminder that even though I don't need to practise with them as such, I should do more training with them leading up to a race.
Head.
This bit is in the biggest mess. I do tend to go over and over any race and I always look for what I could (or should) have done better or differently, even races where I'm happy with how it went. That's just me and I can't help it. I guess something in my nature combined with something in my upbringing means I feel I never quite live up to expectations, that I'm never good enough.
I wonder if I could have pushed on and completed leg 3, and that if I'd done that maybe I could have finished the race. But I'll never know. The fact that after resting my legs for 2 hours at Chain Hill and then several more hours back at HQ and I still couldn't walk suggests the race was over at 62 miles, but by the late afternoon on Sunday I was able to walk the quarter mile to the shop without too much pain. It's that complicated thing of pain being in your head: how do you know how much of the pain was genuine brain saying stop in order to protect a part of the body and how much was purely emotional?
I was running when my heart wasn't in it. So much of that race is mixed up with my not-fella. But so are my every day trails. So much of my life is. What running is to me has changed, evolved over the few years since I started. As others have said ultra running in particular is as much about the relationships with fellow runners as it is about the physical and mental challenges. The people we meet along the way become good friends- sometimes just for the duration of a race or a few miles shared but sometimes they become part of your life. I can't untangle what I do from the not-fella and sometimes a run feels like sticking needles in myself but I don't think never running again is the answer either.
Various types of hallucination accompanied me during the race but also in the runs leading up to it. I'd hear footsteps and turn only to see nothing; feel that someone was running close, just behind my shoulder; hear a voice... Plus the usual giant cats, turtles and such.
I had an idea of an ultra every month next year, but just little ones. It's not going to work out that way due to cost but perhaps a year of not trying to challenge myself is what I need. Everyone else can do their big shiny races, ones that are super-hard, really long, big profile, in lovely places abroad... Perhaps I've had delusions of adequacy and have forgotten my place. I'll go back to plodding in fields on my own.
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