It's complicated and I don't know if I can untangle this particular knot.
Firstly, I realise it is still very soon after the A100 disaster and whether I am conscious of it or not it is likely still influencing my thoughts and feelings. But I also know that what happened out on the Ridgeway that night isn't the root of it. It was horrible hurting that much, no head-torch, moving at less than a shuffle, and I wonder if I had been in a better place leading up to the race whether I could have dealt with all that and got myself to a finish. But I'll never know so there's not much point in wondering. However, the act of quitting really hurts. I'm not a quitter.
But I quit my job at Easter without anything else lined up. I had got to a point where it simply made me miserable and I couldn't see a way to carry on. It was possibly a stupid thing to do and everything has been a monumental struggle since then, but people say if you don't like where you are then change it and that's what I did. Except it hasn't worked.
In my training this year I've not put in the focus or commitment that I have in previous years. Early morning long runs haven't happened- I've just not wanted to get out of bed. In fact I haven't really done any kind of long runs at all. It's all felt like too much and I just gave up on trying to get the training done.
So maybe this year I've turned into a quitter.
And then the other stuff. I don't know if there are any ultra-runners reading this who are also perimenopausal. I cannot explain how big an impact those loopy hormones seem to be having on everything. It is akin to what it's like dealing with those early teen hormones except that you have to do all the adult stuff and people just expect you to cope. They could be responsible for training feeling like it's too much, for feeling so anxious about stuff, for struggling to cope with simple day to day things. But then again I don't know how much is hormonal or whether I'm simply trying to find excuses. I know I haven't feel like me for quite some time but it's been a very difficult year and up to a point there's been residual fatigue from last year's 100 miler too, so unpicking what is causing what seems impossible.
Whatever the cause, me not quite being me anymore has contributed the most painful breakup. And that's a big thing feeding into the not wanting to run any more. I was running before we met but all the trails I run are too full of my not-fella and I simply can't bear it. There's no joy in them any more and stumbling around through the mud half-blinded by tears is a pretty stupid way to spend my time. (As a side note it's worth mentioning that a lone woman, wandering about sobbing, attracts precisely zero attention from passing walkers. I am an expert in creating a S.E.P. Field.) Finding new trails means getting in the car in order to run and that's not practical.
So the act of running is making me miserable. My heart isn't in it.
My heart isn't in anything.
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